My girls are 18 months apart.  They are now at 7 and a half and 9 they are constantly whining at each other. “It's not fair!”  “It's all about Amy!”  “I should get 10 sweets as Mary had friend over!” It’s doing my head in. Help! Exhausted Mom Mary

What we commonly refer to as "sibling rivalry" is a dance requiring three players. There needs to be two siblings and one parent involved in the dance at all times. The steps begin when on sibling takes the role of the perp (perpetrator) and the other takes the role of the victim. The parent is the investigating detective. The siblings act out the crime. It usually is some sort of misdemeanor involving a tussle over who gets more attention, who is loved more, whose toys it is or some such trivial matter. Sometimes it involves a bit of physicality to establish who is the alpha sibling. No matter what the mix-up you can be sure the entire matter is designed to get your attention and induce you to punish the perp and validate the victim. This is where the detective parent comes on the scene. The crime has been committed and you now have to investigate and make an arrest.

Things typically go downhill from there. You either end up hollering at the alleged perp (who may have been setup by the supposed victim) or punishing both by separating them or removing the weapons of destruction (toys) and with the harshest voice possible telling them to go to their rooms or sending one outside and keeping another inside.

How do you get out of this clever dance and sit down, watch and help the children sort it out themselves? It's easier than you think.

First you have to recognise that it's a trap designed to get you involved. Once you have come to that conclusion you can take off your badge and gun and resign from the force.

The next step is to calmly walk into the room, I emphasise calmly, and say to the children the "magic sentence":

"I'm surprised to see that two children your age can't play together without arguing and hurting each other. Most children your age have already learned how to do that."

Then it's time to leave the room and listen to what happens next.

Don't believe me? Well, nothing to lose, Try it and see.