This week on 'Parenting', family psychotherapist Joanna Fortune has offered advice on how to manage children's bed-wetting fears.

One mother told Moncrieff that her five-year-old daughter has recently become very anxious that she will wet the bed, despite not having done so in years.

“She goes to the toilet when getting into her PJ’s, we do story time together and then she goes to the toilet again," she said.

“We say our good nights and I leave the room, and then the wee anxiety sets in, where she might get up and try to go to the toilet five or six more times.

“She says she feels the need to go but can’t go, but she can’t shake that feeling. Sometimes she’ll call for a mummy hug to distract her from needing to go.

“I don’t know how to help her – I've tried to explain her bladder is like a balloon and once it’s empty, it takes a while to refill, and she understands but still can’t not get up again.

“She hasn’t wet the bed in over a year and a half, she’s been fully toilet trained since she was two-and-a-half years old.

“She’s very intelligent – I think it’s bugging her more than she’s letting on.”

The mother explained that she had a second child recently, and that her daughter was warned that her mammy might have to go to the hospital in the middle of the night without telling her.

However, the girl’s mother said she sees “no indication” that the two are related, as the issues started before she gave birth to her son.

Girl and mother getting ready in bathroom. Connect Images / Alamy. 6 March 2019

Family psychotherapist Joanna Fortune said she wouldn’t be so quick to dismiss this connection.

“I would argue she is showing you that it’s related – what she’s not doing is telling you verbally,” she said.

“She’s not saying, ‘I’m overwhelmed by this interruption to my life and this little usurper you’ve brought in who’s taking up all of your time and focus’, or that, ‘I worried I’d wake up in the middle of the night and you wouldn’t be there’ - because that’s not the way it works at this age.

“Behaviour is the way of saying, not, ‘I’m being difficult’, but, ‘I’m having a difficulty’.

Unconscious urge

Joanna said the girl getting up and seeking out her mother throughout the night could be a sign of her being anxious that her mam might disappear suddenly.

“Her getting up and down to the toilet, you know, it’s a really effective way to make sure you’re still there,” she said.

“Needing the mommy hug [is] really effective to go, ‘hey, are you still there? Are you still available to me?’ - and it’s not conscious.

“It’s not like she’s consciously going, ‘I’ll get up now again; I’ll give that five minutes and I’ll be up again’ - it’s more of an unconscious urge or instinct or urge that she has.”

Doctor's visit

However, Joanna also said that it would be worth a doctor's visit to rule out the possibility of a UTI.

“I think with little kids we’re very quick to jump to the feeling stuff,” she said.

“On the balance of probability, this is not an issue during the day, it’s only at night, all that – but I still would think, especially at five or six – little girls, you know, they’re often in a hurry when they’re going to the toilet – they're not always great at wiping themselves, and a UTI is entirely a possibility.

“So maybe just rule that out – and it’s also a way of showing your daughter that you’re taking this really seriously.

“You know, ‘I need to make sure that you’re well – the doctor says you actually are physically well, but I’m wondering if you’re feelings are well, and have you any uh-oh feelings?’

“Don’t get into language like anxiety or worry, because it’s complex when you’re five or six – but every kid knows what an uh-oh feeling is and where is might live in your body.”

With a new baby in the house and Christmas around the corner, the girl could also benefit from some quiet time, according to Joanna.

She recommended sensory play, outdoor time and, if possible, leaving the baby with relatives to spend a full mother and daughter day together.

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