In this week’s Parenting segment, one parent fears the consequences their daughter’s competitive friend group will have on her confidence. 

“My daughter is a somewhat shy, sensitive 11-year-old,” they told Moncrieff. 

“While she is friends with both boys and girls, she is in a close friend group of girls that are extremely competitive and in a couple of cases, extremely confident. 

“It’s gone to the extreme of kids crying on pitches if their teams lose matches and jeer at opposition if they’re on a losing team. 

“Other families get extra tutoring at home and the parents even do their artwork to try win competitions.” 

The listener’s talented but quiet daughter is beginning to face some aggressive behaviour from her friends and is more unsure of her abilities. 

“We feel like removing her from these friends at times, as it can feel quite toxic,” she said. “However, she genuinely likes her pals.” 

Child psychotherapist Joanna Fortune said it’s a very complicated situation when there was no particular bad incident between the daughter and the friends. 

“This is just a lot of pressure and focus on achievement for 11-year-old children,” she said. 

“I don’t hear any joy, I don’t hear any pleasure, I don't hear collaboration anywhere in this. 

“I could sit here and say it’s about effort over outcome and it's supposed to be about them enjoying it and trying hard, but it sounds like that ship has sailed in this particular cohort.” 

'What does she enjoy about this?'

Joanna said the parents should focus on bringing the daughter “inwards” in terms of her motivations and hobbies. 

“What does she enjoy about these activities?” she asked. 

“The stakes are high for these kids, and I'm just wondering where that drive is coming from. Is it the kids themselves or the parents?” 

She encouraged the parents to dig deeper into the daughter’s feelings and talk about how she feels when she’s competing with friends. 

“The parents do sound heavily invested in this,” she said. “I’m going to suggest staying a step back. 

“Not completely off the wheel, take a step back from this and try to dilute some of the impact because it sounds incredibly intense for everyone involved. 

“Your daughter is going to work that out and manage herself who she wants to be with and who she doesn't - you keep the door of communication open.” 

Pressure on the other children

Joanna also noted there must be a lot of pressure on the daughter’s friends. 

“Think about what it must be like to be under that much pressure that their parents are sitting up doing art projects,” she said. 

She also noted teachers always know when parents do their children’s homework. 

Listen back here: