A mother has said she felt like she was falling through a trapdoor when she learned her son would be stillborn.

Anne-Marie was nine months pregnant with her son Max in January 2015 and everything has been going “as expected”. 

One evening, she and her husband were at home watching a film about a jazz drummer and Max began to move around frantically. 

“I remember saying to my husband, ‘He must really like jazz, he’s going a bit mad’ - but I also hoped it was a sign he was starting to get ready to come [out],” Anne-Marie told Lunchtime Live.  

She went to bed and slept well; the next day her friend visited and it was only in the evening that it occurred to Anne-Marie that she had not felt any movement that day.

“I did what I thought you were meant to do and drank a cold drink and ate something decent,” she said. 

Heartbeat

When she still had not felt anything, she decided to go to hospital and asked a midwife to check on Max. 

“They tried to find his heartbeat with a doctor,” Anne-Marie said. 

“I remember them saying, ‘Oh, he must be in an awkward position, we just can’t get the heartbeat. We’ll take you into a scan.’ 

“Lots of people will say that they knew at that stage, I didn’t. I was completely oblivious.

“So, they did the scan and turned the monitor around and they showed me and said, ‘There’s his heart, there’s no heartbeat.’ 

“There’s a girl called Zoe Clarke who wrote this book called Saying Goodbye about baby loss… but the most eloquent thing that I think sums up the whole experience is this quote that says, ‘When you hear the words, ‘There’s no heartbeat’, a trapdoor opens and you fall.’ 

“I just think that is the most powerful description of that moment and of what happens next. 

“The ground opens up from under you and what’s left is you in this completely different landscape, broken and trying to fit the pieces together.” 

'This beautiful baby'

Max was born the next day with dark hair and “the cutest little nose”. 

He was, Anne-Marie recalled, “absolutely beautiful” and the hospital did everything they could to make sure the family’s time together was special. 

One nurse from Donegal in particular was a huge help to them in their grief. 

“I remember the big, thick Donegal accent coming up the corridor and she said, ‘I’m going into this room now to say hello to this beautiful baby,’” Anne-Marie said. 

“I was thinking, ‘Oh my God, nobody’s told her that he’s died.’ 

“She burst into the room, I clenched myself and then I realised she did know that he died. 

“She came over and she helped to celebrate him and she looked at him like he was any other baby. 

“She set the groundwork for us over the last nine years, acknowledging him in our lives, acknowledging us as his parents and acknowledging how proud we were and how beautiful he was.

“She just made such a massive difference in everything that followed in terms of taking pictures and making memories.”  

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month and this Sunday people across the world will light candles at 7pm for a Global Wave of Light to remember all babies who have passed away. 

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Main image: A woman holding her pregnant belly. Picture by: Tetra Images, LLC / Alamy Stock Photo