Christmas is a time for enjoying the company of your family – but getting dragged into family drama can make the holidays difficult to get through.
On this week’s ‘So You Think You’re an Adult’ segment, one letter writer asked for advice on how to manage their parent’s constant criticism.
“I’ve been dealing with a lot of family tension lately, especially around Christmas,” they told Moncrieff.
“My parents and I have always had a complicated relationship, but this year it feels worse than ever.
“They criticise my life choices, my career path, even my personal relationships.
“Every time I try to stand up for myself or explain my point of view, they shut me down or make me feel guilty for not appreciating everything they’ve done for me.
“I’ve tried to set boundaries in the past, but it always feels like they ignore them, and I end up feeling emotionally drained and resentful.
“I don’t want to lose my family, but I also can’t keep sacrificing my mental health to maintain these strained relationships.
“How do I assert myself with my parents without feeling I’m being disrespectful? And how can I protect my emotional well-being without cutting them out completely, even if I feel like they’re constantly undermining my sense of self?”
Adult son argues with his elderly parents at home. Image: Iakov Filimonov / AlamyTV personality Declan Buckley said that this person needs to get over the idea that confronting their parents directly is 'rude'.
“If you’ve set a boundary and somebody else has not acknowledged or ignored that boundary, then you actually haven’t set a boundary at all – you've just kind of thought about it,” he said.
“I think as well, often with family, we deal a lot in the unsaid, or we deal a lot in conflict avoidance – especially with your parents, because you might have residual notions that it’s rude to speak back to your parents or something like that.
“A lot of that is about asserting yourself as an adult - a family relationship is not the same as maintaining family hierarchy.
“That can be a bit difficult to get your head around, but it’s part of growing older that you realise that those things kind of inevitably have to change.”
Emotions
Broadcaster Dee Reddy said it can be useful to try and take your emotions out of the situation.
“I think sometimes really good advice for older family in terms of how to respond to it is just like, don’t lead with the emotion,” she said.
“Don’t respond with how it makes you feel – just take a pause and think about how you would respond to another adult who said that to you, who you have no familial relationship with, and see if there is a middle ground there.”
Dee said that while it can be hard to stop seeing older family members as figures of authority, sometimes ‘causing a fuss’ is necessary.
Listen back here:
