On this week’s ‘So You Think You’re an Adult?’, one listener asks whether she should cut ties with a member of her social circle.  

“I’m in a small group of friends who’ve known each other for 20 years,” she told Moncrieff. “There's two women in the group that I've always liked and got along well with but there's a third person who I've quite honestly tolerated because the group of friends included her.” 

She said she now finds this person too “negative and draining” to be around.  

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“I feel like I'm being a bad friend for even admitting to this, but I just think that she's been stuck in the role of a 'victim' for so long that she's no longer prepared to take any action on it,” she said.  

The listener said she has recently argued with this person and told the other women in their group she wishes to distance herself from her. 

“I understand I'm essentially throwing a grenade into the group dynamic, but I just don't enjoy this other lady's company any more... I feel that she negatively affects my own mental health.” 

Boundaries 

Broadcaster and writer Barbara Scully said people are entitled to set boundaries and prioritise mental health – but there might be other reasons this listener wants distance.  

“The red flag to me is the bit where she says that recently that her of this other negative woman have had a falling out,” she said.  

“I'm wondering now is her motivation in kind of trying to cut this woman out because of the falling out rather than to protect her mental health and to drown in the negativity.” 

Losing friends 

Barbara said the woman should also be aware that cutting out one friend could risk losing other friends. 

“Just because she feels like that about this woman, doesn't mean obviously that the other two in the group of four feel the same way,” she said.  

“She runs the risk of losing the other two's friendship as well because they may not agree or they may say, ‘Look, we're not meeting you on your own and cutting the woman out because that would be extremely hurtful’.” 

‘People change’ 

Broadcaster Declan Buckley said people change and having a history does not necessitate staying friends. 

“They change their opinions, and therefore they can also change their emotional interactions with other people around them,” he said.  

“It can happen that people that you were very comfortable with, but one person may have just gone a little bit further in a way that they changed outside of your comfort zone.” 

Declan said this issue speaks to the “complexities of social dynamics” in which people are brought together even if they would not necessarily choose to interact.  

If the listener only interacts with this person in group settings, according to Declan, she should consider if she values her own individual preferences or maintaining a friendship with the other women and not putting them in an awkward situation.