This year has been the best year of my life. Seriously! At the beginning of this year I was privileged to be awarded the Frederick Douglas award as part of the annual Lord Mayors awards.
As if that wasn’t incredible enough I was asked to be the Grand Marshall of Cork Pride last summer and also addressed 8,000 people at hopefully the last ever March for Marriage in Dublin.
However all these wonderful events pale in comparison with the news that my beloved partner Anne Marie and I shared earlier this week on Twitter. I am 13 weeks pregnant. Just seeing the words brings tears of joy to my eyes.
Tick, tock, tick, tock…
From the beginning Anne Marie and I knew we wanted a family. We also knew that starting a family would take time, commitment, organisation and considerable financial investment. In addition, being extremely practical women we also knew that we had to move fast as my biological clock was ticking quite loudly on account of my age.
So in November 2012, I had just turned 39 years old, we attended an information evening at Clane Fertility Clinic and we knew straight away this was the clinic we wanted to engage with in our pregnancy journey. Under the guidance of the clinical team we began the process of undergoing various preliminary tests in 2013 to ensure that I was healthy and fertile. Thankfully, all the tests came back clear and then we set about picking a donor.
Finding a donor
Like most infertile couples we were given access to a data base of a bank in Denmark where all donors are screened for viral and common genetic conditions. Then depending on my test results we were presented with a list of prospective donors who genetically matched me in a way that didn’t run the risk of passing on any hereditary deceases such as cystic fibrosis.
Once that was done we had the option of narrowing the search based on whether we wanted a donor that was anonymous or known. If the donor was anonymous when our child turns 18 they wouldn’t be in a position to contact their biological father, whereas a known donor meant that the child if he or she so chose could make contact.
After much deliberation we decided to go for a known donor so when our child turns 18 they can decide whether they want to make contact and get to know their biological father. We felt we didn’t have the right to take this choice away from our child.
Some might have an issue with a child not knowing their biological father for the first 18 years of their life however the information will be easily accessible when he or she decides to find out. Furthermore, we know the donor's eye colour, hair colour, race, height, weight and full medical history which is far more than what thousands of Irish adoptees know about either of their biological parents.
Anne Marie and I personally know people who have been adopted and have been shocked at how Ireland’s closed adoption system literally robbed thousands of people of their identities. As two individuals who had to work extremely hard to unearth and embrace our true sexual identity we appreciate the impact this has on a person’s mental health and wellbeing. As loving parents we will ensure that our child’s needs are met and when he or she is ready they will have full access to their full biological identity.
Once the battery of tests was completed and the donor was chosen, we were given the green light to proceed to the next step which was to decide whether we wanted to try IUI or IVF.
Eeny, meeny, miny, moe - IUI or IVF?
Now this is when it gets very technical. It took us ages to get our heads around it but here’s a quick overview...
IUI - (Intrauterine Insemination) is the transfer of washed and prepared sperm into the uterine cavity by means of a fine catheter. This involves mild ovarian stimulation and monitoring of the cycle. IUI is affordable, less intrusive but only has a 5 percent chance of being successful for women over 40.
IVF (In Vitro Fertilisation) is a process where eggs are retrieved following follicular stimulation and processed in a laboratory. The eggs are mixed with washed prepared sperm. Fertilisation takes place within 24 hours of egg retrieval and any resulting embryos are cultured for two, three or five days, after which one or two are transferred back into the patient. IVF is more expensive, more intrusive but has 15 percent chance of being successful for women over 40.
Mental Health
Anne Marie and I work in the mental health field, she is a psychotherapist and a lecturer and I am a mental health broadcaster and journalist and together we run a mental health practice called Insight Matters with a team of 23 therapists. So we are very aware of the importance of looking after our own mental health.
In addition to actively looking after our mental health on a daily basis through self-awareness and self-management tools we also attended counselling through Clane Fertility clinic. This is very important for couples or individuals who want to avail of fertility treatment. The ups and downs of the process takes a huge toll on your mental health so it is integral to your overall health that you have a strategy in place to maintain your wellbeing irrespective of the outcome of the journey.
Hedging our bets
After meeting with the consultant in Clane clinic we decided that we would first try IUI as we wanted to start the process gently. Last January, I started hormone treatment and although I responded well it was not successful. We were devastated as although we were aware of the low success rate we were still hopeful it might work.
So back to the drawing board we went.
We took six months off the process. I focused on eating right, exercising, gave up alcohol altogether and even started acupuncture. We decided we were not going to waste any more time or money on IUI and we scheduled to undergo IVF in August. We began treatment the end of August and again I responded favourably. My blood test showed positive signs and scans showed that my ovaries were responding well.
On the 9th of September nine eggs were collected which apparently is good for my age. Three days later we were told the happy news that four embryos had formed and were of excellent quality. We were advised by the embryologist to hold off for two more days to give the embryos a chance to develop into the blastocyst stage. On day five after egg collection they transferred two embryos into me. The procedure went smoothly and I remember that I felt much calmer than when I did with the IUI.
Looking back now I think the acupuncture played a big part as it kept me focused and relaxed. However, I also believe the IUI experience prepared me for IVF as I was already familiar with the staff, the operating theatre, how I had to wear one of those silly hospital gowns and wear a surgical cap.
We both knew the drill and we both felt prepared psychologically, emotionally, spiritually and physically this time round. I still remember waiting nearly one hour and half before the procedure in my little hospital room lying on my narrow bed. It was such a memorable time together as we spent the time praying, doing guided meditations, holding hands and comforting each other during the wait. So when the time came for me to go into the operating theatre I was so relaxed and quietly hopeful.
The horrendous two-week wait
This is known as the TWW in the world of conception. It’s a difficult and challenging time for even the strongest couples as you desperately want to hope but you’re terrified you will be disappointed. What ends up happening is you yo-yo between the two for what feels like an eternity. We lost sleep over it but again meditation, mindfulness and acupuncture saved us from climbing the walls.
We were scheduled to return to the clinic on a certain date and the night before we decided to take a home pregnancy test – call me weird but I always wanted to pee on a stick. Amazingly, just before we looked at the test we both looked deeply into each other’s eyes and simultaneously said our mantra that has been with us from the beginning of this journey: “what is meant for us won’t pass us by.” We looked at the stick and were delighted to see with our own eyes that we were right.
Dil Wickremasinghe is a social justice and mental health broadcaster of Global Village, Newstalk 106-108 FM, Saturday 7-9pm and Training Director with Insight Matters – Inspiring change in self and society through personal development, psychotherapy and counselling.
