Irish people like to credit themselves as being good at dealing with death – but do we understand the grief that follows?

Bereavement coordinator with Our Lady’s Hospice Ann D’Arcy joined Lunchtime Live for National Grief Awareness Week to discuss how we deal with the aftermath of death.

“I think we are good at dealing with it as a society in the initial phases in terms of people going to funerals and people are very much there for people in the initial stages of grief,” she said.

“But grief is quite a long-term process. It doesn’t end after a month or after six weeks.

“It’s often a number of months down the road that the reality begins to sink in.

"At that stage, people would say to me that they noticed that their natural support system may be disappearing or not as available as it was in the beginning.”

Grief concept, man coping with the loss in state of emotional distress, overwhelmed and helpless. Adult male covering face with his hands. Image: Igor Stevanovic / Alamy. 8 January 2021

Ms D’Arcy said that while counselling is often suggested to help people cope, it is not the easy fix many seem to think.

“People often see it as an easy solution or way of helping somebody – but there is no quick fix to grief, there is no toolkit for grief, we each have to find our own way,” she said.

“In the past, there would have been a lot of emphasis on different stages and phases that people would go through on grief but that has been more or less discounted at this stage because it’s not what people experience.

“It would be much easier if that was the reality, but grief is so messy.”

Ms D’Arcy said grief never truly disappears but that we learn to build our lives around it.

Conflict

According to Ms D'Arcy, conflict can often develop when a person dies because people struggle to understand each other’s grief.

“It can be, ‘Well, you’re not grieving as much as I am because I’m crying every day where you’re getting on with life’,” she said.

“But the reality is that people can grieve very differently and that will be influenced by many factors.

“If you were always somebody that would be quite self-contained and introverted, you’re going to manage your grief – the odds are – that way.

“If you were somebody who was very emotional and a talker, the odds are that’s how you’re going to also manage grief."

Coping strategies

For people coping with their own grief, Ms D’Arcy recommended eating responsibly, trying to maintain regular sleep and being careful about using substances such as alcohol during the immediate aftermath.

She also said to ask for practical help to help make things feel less overwhelming – such as asking a friend or family member to pick up children from school or do a household chore or two.

When it comes to comforting a grieving person, Ms D’Arcy said to ask them how they are doing – even if you feel uncomfortable hearing the ugly truth.

The national Bereavement Support Line is available Monday to Friday from 10am to 1pm on 1800 80 70 77 for those in need.

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Main image: Grief concept, man coping with the loss in state of emotional distress, overwhelmed and helpless. Adult male covering face with his hands. Image: Igor Stevanovic / Alamy. 8 January 2021