Finding your partner unattractive is ‘not a death knell’ for a relationship – but it is a clear warning sign, according to clinical psychotherapist Stephanie Regan.
She was speaking after a new survey found that eight-in-10 people believe that not finding your partner attractive anymore is not a good enough reason to get a divorce.
The UK survey conducted by Femail found 78% of married people would not leave their partner if they no longer found them attractive.
Men (84%) were more likely stay with their partners than women (73%) if there was no longer any attraction.
Even among young people aged 18 - 24, nearly 40% said the absence of sexual attraction would not cause them to end their marriage.
'Death knell'
On The Pat Kenny Show, Ms Regan said the survey results are not surprising.
“I don't think [loss of attraction] is something you have to live with, and I don't think it's the death knell for a marriage, but I do think it is a warning sign,” she said.
“I think it's something that should never be just overlooked, but I'm not at all surprised that eight out of 10 people would say that it's not the reason or you know a justifiable reason [to end your marriage]."
Attraction
Ms Regan said sexual attraction tends to “ebb and flow” over a long-term relationship.
She admitted that you can’t just bluntly tell your partner that you no longer find them attractive – but said you can “bring it to the table in a gentler, let’s try and sort this out, kind of way”.
“Let's be straight, desire, loss and attraction can be fixed in relationships,” she said.
“It ebbs of course for lots of reasons [including] because people are in in conflict with each other, spoken or unspoken – where there's resentment.
“Where there's a feeling of, I'm doing all the work and you're doing nothing, where it's all on my own and I'm overwhelmed.
“You know, if you're overwhelmed and you've got a lot of stress, you're not really thinking about, you know, how exciting can we make this in the bedroom?
“If you want to fix it, you need to start looking at bringing some freshness, newness and distance
“We always say, you know, people find each other most attractive when they’re the furthest apart.
“So, step away from each other, create distance, do your own thing, let your partner do their own thing, create nice things that you do together – that is how you spark attraction again.”
Marriage
Ms Regan said she has often encountered couples through her work who had fallen out of lust and were able to turn it around.
“As a clinician, I can be straight and say, ‘If you want to have a good sexual life, you have to put in some effort,’” she said.
“You know, people do not look fabulous sitting on sofas in horrible old tracksuits, doing nothing all day, every day.
“You need to go out and do interesting things. The time you see your partner as most attractive after a period of time is when you see them involved in something that they love doing and you notice them at a distance.
“So, think about it, if you're at a party or something and you see your partner over there and they look fab because they're dolled up and all the rest, you look over and you think, hmm, doesn't look bad, actually.”
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