Is it okay for a new partner to demand that you change your mattress?

On The Pat Kenny Show this week, clinical psychotherapist Stephanie Regan discussed this issue, describing it as an example of “hypersensitivity” in a relationship.

In one situation, a girlfriend who had been seeing her partner for six months and spending a lot of time at his house felt uncomfortable about the mattress because she associated it with his ex.

Ms Regan said she understood the concern, but she believed the girlfriend was being overly sensitive.

“The girl feels that he’s not over this other person he was with, and maybe he is or maybe he isn’t,” she said.

“The bed is not the issue; the issue is whether he is ready for this relationship.

“Complaining about the bed isn’t going to make him more ready.”

Get over it

The Tough Love podcast host said people need to “get over” past relationships.

“You may have been very in love with somebody, and it does take time to extract your energy, to move on, to feel fully over it, and to move forward with full heart into a new situation," she said.

"Focusing on nitty-gritties is not the way to assess that. To be threatened by an ex is probably the wrong place to begin a relationship; you need to feel sure that the person is over the other relationship.”

Ms Regan said there is an onus to remove certain reminders of past relationships from the home.

“If you have photos up of you having a great holiday, I think that should be taken down because if the relationship is over, it’s over,” she said.

“With an ex-spouse where there might be children, you have to be sensitive to that and not take everything away - there’s a finer line to tread there.

“Maybe you wouldn’t have wedding photos, but you would have other photos around because you’re acknowledging the existence of that person.”

Find someone new

She said serious problems in the first year of a relationship are not a good sign.

“The trajectory needs to be much cleaner and have a little more lift-off than arguing about things like [mattresses] in the first six months,” she said.

“I find people sometimes, at the beginning of a relationship, are inclined to try too hard to fix things and make it work, even considering counselling.

“Don’t even think about it, because in the first year of a relationship, things should be progressing with ease, comfort, and without complication.”

She added that if a couple is having “shouting matches” in the beginning, they should consider “finding someone new.”

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