Irish society needs to create “formulas” on how to navigate friendships and family following a divorce, according to a clinical psychologist.  

Some 5,856 people filed for divorce in 2021 - a figure which is up 11% on the previous record of 5,220 the previous year. 

A shorter wait time and increasingly liberal views on marriage have made divorce more common, according to clinical psychologist Stephanie Regan.  

She told The Pat Kenny Show in the wake of this increase, couples need to consider the split that occurs outside the courthouse.

Less judgement

“We like to think that divorce is navigated very well and it's through the courts,” she said. “But what I'm hearing now is an awful lot of suffering going on through the divorce journey.” 

Ms Regan said people are “less judgmental” of divorces nowadays and more sympathetic to the person who chooses a divorce and would have previously been seen as the “bad party”.  

With that, however, there are now more complex situations between divorced couples and the friends they share concerning who “chooses” who.  

Ms Regan said “original friends tend to go back to original friends” in the case of schoolfriends or friendships that existed before the marriage.  

If friends were made during the marriage, Ms Regan said “we need to watch what we say we need to watch what we do”. 

“Choosing sides” 

She said it is not the responsibility of the friends to “fix” anything or choose sides. 

Considering the example of a friend wanting to invite both parties to an event, Ms Regan said the person should simply communicate with both sides.  

“I feel that the right way to do things is invite both and let them work it out. Let them agree between them.” 

She agreed if both people know the other is coming, it is up to them to compromise.  

“These are formulas that we need to start thinking about,” she said. 

“You can still be friends with people without knowing all the details.” 

Infidelity 

Ms Regan said the situation can be more complicated if the divorce was due to infidelity – but it is still the friends’ responsibility.  

“It's not always your job, you don't have to fix that,” she said. “It's up to them to work that out.” 

She said if someone knows their friend is having an affair, it is not their responsibility to “blow the whistle”. 

“That [cheater] has compromised you by the very fact that you have you know been let know about it,” she said. 

Ms Regan said if someone finds out without being told, it’s still not their responsibility to blow the whistle – but they will need to discuss it with the affected person afterwards.  

“Maybe you do have to just say, ‘look I did not feel it was up to me to tell you and to bring you to bring that to your door - I thought perhaps you already knew’,” she said.

Main image: Woman putting a wedding ring on a table. Image via Pexels