On this week's 'Parenting' segment on the Moncrieff show, one listener sought advice on how to stop her two-year-old son from being "petrified" of his eight-week-old sister.
Joanna Fortune, a psychotherapist specialising in child and adult psychotherapy, offered some guidance.
Listener question
I'm dealing with a bizarre situation. My son is two-years-old and is petrified of his eight-week-old sister.
We've moved on a little bit in the fact that he can go into a room with her, but if she cries or coos he goes hysterical. It really is a stressful situation as his cries can upset her too.
How do you help a toddler get used to a baby? I thought they would be the best of friends but it's the complete opposite.
More often than not, my husband plays with him in another room while I tend to the baby. If I enter a room he's in with her, then he watches every move I make with very cautious eyes, how can I help them be friends?
Joanna Fortune's advice
"In lots of ways, when you think about a baby, but from the perspective of a two-year-old, who is little more than a baby themselves, to him a baby is very doll-like, cries, moves, makes sounds, and it may even feel like this is a doll that's come to life. It's unexpected, it's scary, it's hard to anticipate.
"While this parent is saying it's a bizarre situation, actually this is really common, it's even normal for an older child to get upset when a baby cries, to emotionally or physically withdraw themselves or even to start crying alongside them, that's quite normal, because it's hard for them to make sense of that sound. That sound of a crying baby is a particular pitch, it's a particular tone, and it can be quite distressing. In terms of Revelation, it's also designed to elicit a response from us adults as parents, so it is a very evocative sound and an evocative cry.
"I think there's a couple of things you can do with this. First of all, I note that you've had some progress, you say you've moved on a little bit and he can go into the room with her. Bear in mind that this is still only eight weeks of experience for him, this is all very new and as time goes by he will settle and adjust. But there are some practical things I think you could do.
"First and foremost as best as you can, stay calm yourself when the baby cries, don't jump up and run, of course, unless it's a panic situation. you want to normalise the cry and how you do that is by being relaxed every time, and not saying, 'Oh my goodness', but, 'There's the baby letting us know what they need', they could be hungry, tired, needing a nappy. So you're explaining to him and teaching him that babies' cries don't mean something bad is going on, but is actually their way of communicating because they don't know any words yet.
"By staying calm, you're modelling this sense of calm acceptance and that this is normal and there's nothing to be afraid of. He will then gradually through repeated experience take his emotional and behavioural cues from you around the baby.
"Another thing you could do, because I'm also noting that he's crying when the baby is crying, as best you can, and this is a momentary thing when I say, tend to him in his distress before the baby. I don't mean leave the baby crying for 20 minutes while you tend to him, I mean briefly that you turn your attention to him and say, 'Remember, the baby is crying to let us know that they need something'. So take him by the hand and bring over and say, 'What do you think the baby needs?'
"Involve him in the solution...and little practical things that can make him feel like the baby is needing something and what can I do to provide what the baby needs. Bear in mind that when you say to a two-year-old, 'What do you think the baby needs', they might think the baby needs a dinosaur or a truck, so just keep an eye on that.
"Emotionally it's good to go, 'Oh you were right, it was her nappy, oh look you understood her so well, you're such a great big brother'. So give this time, but bring him with you on it and model with your own behaviour. But honestly, it's not as bizarre as you might think it is, it's actually quite common."
