On this week's 'Parenting' segment on the Moncrieff show, one listener sought advice about the tactics she uses to get her children to do what they're told.
Joanna Fortune, psychotherapist specialising in Child & Adult Psychotherapy, joined Moncrieff to answer this and other listeners' questions.
The question:
"I’ve a six year old, four year old and a baby.
"Someone observed recently that I use loads of negative type threats to get the kids to do things, for example they don’t like having a healthy dinner but if they can play a card game while eating then I can get them to eat - usually me saying things like “okay take a bite or I’m taking the game away”.
"It’s this dynamic we have all day long.
"When I ask them to do things they often just don’t do it."
Positive reframing
"I often try to frame things in a positive way “if you put on your shoes we can go to the playground…. Hurray!” But still no action. It’s only when I shift to negative framing that my talking seems to land or register at all… “okay, fine, if there are no shoes we can’t go, what a pity” - and suddenly they’re all action.
"Someone commented that the kids had a lot of threats going on, but it’s literally the only thing that gets a fire under them - positive framing is just not having the same landing.
"Is this bad? As it suddenly felt bad when I saw it through the other person's eyes but not sure how else to keep everyone moving, short of putting on their shoes etc for them, or going back to spoon feeding!"
Joanna's advice:
"It's easier to look at somebody else's parenting and pass comments and judgement.
"That said though, there's something about they can play a card game at the table to eat but then I'm going to threaten to withdraw the card game if they don't eat.
"There's a lot of emotional charge around that.
"A six and four year old are frankly busy, they have lots of more interesting things to do than sit at the table and complete a meal.
"I'm wondering can you all sit together and play a game together like a story game where you all add in.
"While you're not talkin you have to eat and when it's your turn you have to add in a sentence.
"You're there with them, rather than you pottering around and shouting, 'sit down and eat, sit down and eat'."
'Performative'
"If your positive reframing is forced, it sounds performative, it doesn't sound authentic.
"We say to ourselves, 'I should be positive'.
"You have to really believe what you're saying, you have to really believe that putting it that way is going to be effective.
"It might be about looking at how were you responded to as a child.
"How were you responded to at times of behavioural transgressions or micro-aggressions?
"How do you wish you'd been responded to? What difference would that have made for you?
"Let that be where you start from."
Main image shows a mother scolding her son. Picture by: Andrii Zorii/Alamy
