On this week’s Parenting segment on Moncrieff, one parent wrote in asking for help with their six-year-old boy. 

The child is 18-months older than his twin siblings and gets “very angry” from time to time. 

“We get periods where it seems to improve and then disimproves again,” the parent wrote. 

“It’s usually sparked by something one of the twins has done or by having to share my attention with them. 

“We’ve a good routine and I incorporate one-on-one time each day with them by using an egg timer but it seems no matter what I do, he always wants more. 

“For the past couple of months, his anger outbursts have been more violent and unpredictable.”

The parent added that they have to “physically restrain him” in order to stop him kicking or hitting his siblings. 

The advice: 

Joanna said the age gap between him and his younger siblings must have been difficult to cope with. 

“He really only had you to himself for a little time and then he had to share you not with one baby but with two and the demands of twins,” she said. 

“He might always be carrying a little bit of, ‘These two got in the way of my lovely life.’ 

“When you’re talking about these outbursts that he’s having, always hold in mind that children who are developmentally under seven, we shouldn’t expect them to self-regulate. 

“In other words, we don’t expect them to calm themselves down, to be in charge of their emotions, to be able to work things out themselves - they can’t do that.” 

It means the parents have to help them calm down by giving them a good example to follow. 

“When you’re restraining him - and I’m understanding that as physically holding him so that he can’t hurt anything - try to not do a lot of talking,” she said. 

“Try to turn that holding into, ‘I’m keeping you safe, I’m going to hold you until your body feels calm and do some gentle swaying and rocking.’

“If it feels like you’re physically restraining him, his body will pull against you… You might get away with that when they’re six but when he gets physically bigger and stronger, that’s not going to work.” 

Relationship between siblings

Joanna added there is likely a “bit of sibling rivalry” at play as well. 

“You’ve only one school class between them as well,” she said. 

“You’re saying it’s usually sparked by something one of the twins has done or having to share your attention with them. 

“I think that is the crux of this whole issue to begin with but you are able to identify a pattern to what’s triggering him with that. 

“Great that you’re incorporating one-on-one time each day - that’s amazing with three kids who are so close in age. 

“When you say you’re using an egg timer; try to make sure that the focus of that one-on-one time is on him, rather than the egg timer. 

“So, if you could look at a different way, maybe you’ve something in your pocket that lets you know the time. 

“Try not to be so rigid with that if you can because if he’s just focused on the time going, he’s not actually being present with you.”

'A very serious word'

Joanna said the use of the word 'violent' to describe his behaviour stood out to her. 

“When this letter goes on to say that his anger outbursts - which we’d expect from a kid this age - they’ve been more violent and unpredictable for the last couple of months,” she said. 

“The word ‘violent’ is a very serious word, it’s a very strong word and the unpredictability is now pulling away from there being a pattern, so you can’t identify what’s happening.” 

Joanna recommended seeking help from a psychotherapist who will be able to provide a greater insight into his behaviour.

Main image: A posed pciture of a child model. Picture by: Alamy.com