How do you re-approach the sex talk with your child when they’re already sexually active – and possibly too active? 

A parent told Parenting on Moncrieff her 17-year-old son started dating a girl last year and they’re now entering their final year of secondary school. 

She said she had the sex talk with her son “a long time ago” - and he clearly took it to heart. 

“I know he’s having sex – and quite a lot of it – because I have found used condoms in different bins in the house,” she said. 

“My concern is he is very young to be having this much sex. 

“I worry about the emotional impact it will have on both of them, especially during this crucial exam year.” 

She said when she was growing up, sex was a “taboo” conversation, and she didn’t want that for her son. 

“I want to toe the line between speaking with but not scaring him off.” 

Family psychotherapist Joanna Fortune said it’s hard to know what “too much sex” is. 

“There's no quantifiable right amount of sex and I don’t mean to sound flippant,” she said. 

“17-year-olds especially in a first sexual relationship, they can quite literally think they discovered sex.” 

Boundaries

Joanna said the problem is not about how much sex the son is having – but making sure he respects boundaries. 

She noted that there are condoms “in every bin in the house”, suggesting the son is having sex in different rooms. 

This could definitely be seen as a breach of boundaries, particularly if there are still younger children in the house. 

“You want him to be respectful,” Joanna said. “He’s making it clear that he’s having sex in this room in that room.” 

Joanna recommended telling the son to only leave the condoms in a specific bin – and he shouldn’t have sex in every room in the house. 

The new sex talk

The psychotherapist also noted that you can’t just have “one sex talk” with your child – you have to have more conversations as your child changes and matures. 

“[The first talk was probably] quite abstract,” she said. “But now [he’s] experiencing it, [you’ll] have the conversation again and it will be different. 

“You’re going to include consent, respect, how healthy relationships have high levels of reciprocity, being attentive to each other,” she said. 

“Healthy relationships are more than just physical, so ask him what other ways he and his girlfriend enjoy spending time together.” 

The mother should ensure the son has a “healthy view” of how relationships work – and how to respect other people’s boundaries. 

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