This week on ‘Parenting’, one mother asked family psychotherapist Joanna Fortune for advice on her husband’s relationship with their two children.

"I feel like my husband has a favourite child and it's impacting the dynamic between my children,” she told Moncrieff.

“We've two sons, both polar opposites.

“One is really into sports; the other is into music and the arts. It's very clear to me that my husband favours the younger, sporty one, and since he's been old enough for them to share this interest, my eldest gets less of a look in.

“My eldest is now getting to the stage where he's able to process this a bit more and I can see it slowly turning into resenting his father.”

The woman said she has approached her husband about the issue, and he claims to love both children equally.

“I've no doubt that he loves them both, but his expression of this is definitely less for my eldest,” she said.

“What's the best way to approach this situation?”

The advice:

Joanna said many parents have to face the ‘uncomfortable truth’ that they ‘enjoy’ one of their children more than the other.

“Look, sharing interests and love are very different things, and I think he probably does love them both equally,” she said.

“This isn't about how he expresses love – but he clearly relates to one more than the other, and clearly enjoys one more than the other.”

Joanna said it is important the mother doesn’t get ‘pulled in’ to accusing her husband of not loving his kids equally, but she agreed that he still needs to ‘step up’.

How to engage

Their son may be suspicious of any attempts to engage now, but Joanna said an open conversation may help clear the air.

“He might be dubious, especially now, going: ‘I know you're not interested in this’,” she said.

"It is [up to the father] as a parent to say: ‘Well, it's brand new to me, I've never done it before and I don't know enough about it, so I'm definitely interested in finding out.

“You can be genuine about that; it doesn’t have to be - ‘No I’m totally into it’.

“[Saying] ‘I love how you love it, and that makes me interested in it’, is a really nice statement.”

The bigger picture

It can be hard to connect with children when you don’t share their interests, Joanna said.

However, parents who find themselves facing this problem should instead focus on encouraging their child’s passion and enthusiasm.

“Our job as parents is to be interested in what interests our kids so that we teach them that they are interesting,” Joanna said.

"I know there's only so much interest you can have in, say, Minecraft before you run out – but if you can be interested in what's exciting to them and what lights them up, you’re really reinforcing that passion in them, and that they’re somebody that has a voice and should be paid attention to.”

Joanna said that while individual conversations may be boring, it is important to keep in mind the bigger picture.

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