On this week's 'Parenting' segment on the Moncrieff show, one listener sought advice about what to tell his nephew's parents after they asked him to spill the child's secrets.
Joanna Fortune, psychotherapist specialising in Child & Adult Psychotherapy, joined Moncrieff to answer this and other listeners' questions.
The question:
"My nephew is 12 and we’ve always been close because I live nearby and never had children of my own, and being the eldest grandchild in our family, he always got (gets) special attention.
"Over the last year or two, he’s been confiding in me a lot – he’ll pop over after football and over a cup of hot chocolate, he’ll tell me what’s going on in life. It’s the usual stuff like a falling out with a friend in class, or he’s struggling with a subject in school or sometimes he’ll tell me things that are going on at home between his mam and dad.
"As an uncle, I love this time with him but I’m starting to worry that I’m somehow overstepping the mark and he should be saying these things to his parents. I know he’s not telling them what he’s telling me (I’ve asked them) and I can see they are becoming increasingly concerned that he’s not sharing with them.
"Should I be encouraging my nephew to go to them instead of me? They have asked me to tell them everything he says, but I know he’d feel betrayed if he found out."
Joanna's response:
“He’s 12 and this is going on for a couple of years and I find myself curious about who else is at home.
“And is this an opportunity for this little boy to have very special one to one focus and attention with an uncle who is a really willing audience and available - really kind of ‘Yes, tell me everything!’
“I think that’s really lovely, there’s nothing wrong with that and I think what a resourceful little kid to find a place where he thinks, ‘This is my time, this is over the hot chocolate.’ There’s something really warm, nurturing and ritualistic about it.
“I know he’s 12 - teenagers see this a lot more and I think this is nice but it’s setting up an expectation and a tradition that he has this space.
“Because it’s really normal for teenagers to seek increased privacy and independence and pull away from their parents. In other words, to tell them less and parents to want to know more.
“So what is important is that he has a safe trusted adult in his network - this isn’t a random person in his life, it’s his uncle!
“As parents I think it must be really hard, I can empathise with parents going ‘Why is he telling you, not me? You must tell me everything he says!’ No, I mean it’s okay that they want to know everything - that’s understandable but that doesn’t mean they get to.
“Because actually the reassurance he’s talking to someone, he’s talking to someone you know, that he’s safe with, that you all trust and this is part of his growing up journey.
“And I think protect this space, the boundaries that everyone - including the little guy as well as uncle and parents - needs to be clear on is that if he tells you something that would require parental involvement, parental response or intervention, you will involve them.”
