On this week’s ‘Parenting’ segment, one mother asked how to comfort her teenage daughter, who is upset that she hasn’t had her first kiss yet.
“Can you please advise me how I can support my 15-year-old daughter? I noticed she’s been off the last couple of weeks and just not herself,” she told Moncrieff.
“I asked what was going on but she wasn’t giving me anything, so I decided to give her time and let her come to me whenever it felt right.
“It all came to a head when I overheard her crying in her bedroom and I came in and gave her a hug and asked what was wrong, and she eventually confided in me.
“She told me that she feels really embarrassed because she thinks she’s the only one in her year who’s never kissed anyone.
“I tried telling her that I’m sure this is not the case and that most teenagers lie about their experiences, saying things like, ‘I kissed someone on holidays in Portugal’, etc, so you can never actually verify if they did or not.
“I also told her that there’s no right or wrong time to experience these things and that she shouldn’t put so much pressure on herself.
“I think it has helped that she shared she was feeling this, but I still think it’s upsetting her – any advice?”
Mother comforting her upset teen daughter at home. Image: olga Yastremska / Alamy. 15 January 2023Family psychotherapist Joanna Fortune said that this mother had done a great job of handling the situation so far.
“That was beautifully handled,” she said.
“Just to say that because as parents, we’re very tough on ourselves, so it’s no harm to hear, yes, you nailed that, that was really good, and not rushing her, but letting her know you’re available when she’s ready to have that conversation.
“That’s tough for a teenager to have a conversation about something like that, so now that you’ve achieved it, keep the door of communication open.
“I think this is at least in part about the kiss and, ‘Am I the only one who hasn’t kissed or been kissed’ - but it’s also about fitting in with peers.”
'No right or wrong time'
Joanna said this parent wasn’t wrong to tell her daughter that some of her peers might have made up stories about their first kiss, but that she should also let her know that it’s okay to take your time with things like this.
“We don’t want to dismiss her assumption, ‘Look, everyone else has and I haven’t’,” she said.
“So, you might say, ‘Look, I doubt it’s absolutely everybody, but I hear you that it is a lot of people’ - so, accept that, and you come with empathy and ask her how she’s feeling about that.
“It’s tough to feel like you’re the only one who hasn’t had an experience that everyone else has had; you can certainly - and should - talk to her about how it’s absolutely worth waiting for and that there’s no right or wrong time.
“All of that is true, but also reminding her, anything around any of this stuff like kissing or sexuality or anything that’s come up, that it’s a very personal moment for her.
“It’s okay to say to a partner when that moment comes that she doesn’t want to kiss in front of others or in front of a group or at a party, that it’s private and that it should happen in private.”
According to Joanna, this could also be a good time to start slowly introducing the topic of consent and respect in relationships.
Main image: Rear view caring mother comforting upset depressed teenage daughter. Image: Aleksandr Davydov / Alamy. 21 March 2020
