A mother is dealing with teenagers who provoke her over chores – before saying she has anger issues. 

She told Parenting that her two teenagers have an ongoing routine when it comes to doing chores. 

“When I ask or tell them to do a job, more often than not they don’t listen,” she told Moncrieff. 

“I ask them a second time and if I have to ask a third time, I end up raising my voice. 

“Then I’m told to calm down, I’m always shouting and I’m a control freak.” 

The mother said she then always told her children she wouldn’t have to raise her voice if they did their chores the first time. 

She said this is now happening “every day” and she wants to break this "vicious circle" – and have a clean kitchen. 

“I can assure you it’s no consolation if you tell me this is family life in every house – I'm exhausted.” 

Family psychotherapist Joanna Fortune said this behaviour is typical of teenagers – but that doesn’t mean you have to accept it. 

She said adolescence is all about learning and adjusting – including learning how to argue. 

“Aggressive arguments are the door slamming, the shouting, the rows,” she said. 

“The one – the art of delay – is the passive version of that and it is an art form.” 

Teenagers, Joanna explained, will often say they’ll do something “in a minute” - and then 30 minutes pass. 

You might start by going “half an octave” higher – but after another 30 minutes, parents might start seeing red. 

“Then the teenagers are saying you have anger issues,” she said. 

“They depersonalise it and think it has nothing to do with them and [their] lack of follow-up.” 

Negotiating with teenagers

Joanna suggested rather than getting accused of being a control freak, the mother should get “creative” with the teenagers. 

She suggested filling a jar with different chores written on paper – everyone takes turns picking out their chores, which they then have a week to complete. 

“[Then] for every chore you have to do because someone else doesn’t do it, you withdraw a privilege.” 

Joanna said the mother could decide not to give her teenagers a lift to a friend’s house, for example, until chores are completed. 

“It's about putting that boundary in place, and you have to be very explicit,” she said. 

She warned that the mother needs to give concise deadlines like “3pm on Friday” if she wants to see results from her teenagers. 

Listen back here: