On this week’s Parenting segment, one parent is confused over a request to let her daughter “experience disappointment”. 

“My 12-year-old daughter is not short of self-confidence,” she told Moncrieff. 

“Her school principal suggests to me that I should ‘let her experience disappointment’. 

“I think the principal is picking on my daughter for no reason... I don’t think there is any need to proactively disappoint my child, nor do I think there’s any harm in sheltering her. 

“But I worry if I am perhaps being too overprotective and not able to see the wood for the trees?” 

Child psychotherapist Joanna Fortune said this is likely just a “snippet” of a wider story that caused the conversation with the principal. 

“I wouldn't promote orchestrating a disappointment,” she said.  

“I'm just wondering if the principal means don't rescue her from every disappointment out there. 

“Is the principal meaning that there are highs and lows in kids' lives, and they have to learn to master tension? 

“Don't jump in as a parent and rescue them from everything or sabotage a learning experience with a well-meaning fix or change.” 

Parenting disappointment

Joanna said disappointments early in life “help our children to build capacity to master other challenges”. 

“It helps them to gain confidence, to develop independence, self-efficacy,” she said. 

“They’ll see when I'm out in the world and something doesn't go as I wanted to, I’ll be able to cope with that.” 

Having a self-confident child is clearly not the problem, and Joanna pointed out again that the request from the principal likely has more context surrounding it. 

“But try not to jump in and rescue your child from every disappointment,” she said. 

“All that teaches is when something happens - there are a lot of hours away from getting back to you – children have to sit in this bubbling tension until you come and fix it.” 

Proper parenting is learning at home how to react calmly and cope with negative emotions. 

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