On this week's 'Parenting' segment on the Moncrieff show, one listener sought advice regarding her teenage son becoming a loner.
Joanna Fortune, psychotherapist specialising in Child & Adult Psychotherapy, joined Moncrieff to answer this and other listeners' questions.
The question:
“I think my younger son is copying his older brother’s experiences in school. My eldest is 16 and has never found a strong group of friends in school – he's struggled from day one to feel comfortable, and regularly talks at home about being a loner, and how he’s “the weird one” in school.
“However, we’re dealing with that in school (who have been wonderfully supportive).
“My concern is about his younger brother who’s in second year. Up until Christmas just gone, he was a happy, confident student who had a decent group of friends and was settled into secondary school.
“However, he’s now saying almost verbatim the same things as his older brother. I’ve investigated with some other parents and teachers, and they say there’s nothing obviously wrong but that my son is choosing not to take part as much. He’s pushing his friends away.
“Could he be copying his brother to get attention?”
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Joanna’s advice:
“I’m going to tell you - do not assume that that’s the case. I think the best approach here is to attune to his own experiences because I’m hearing that you’ve done some investigations and phone calls and chats with other parents and teachers but I’m not hearing that you’ve had that same investigation chat with your son.
“So I think you do need to speak to him about this. You could get curious, ‘Did something happen around Christmas time? I’m really concerned with you pushing friends away, I really want to help you. It’s really important that you have friends in school - that matters to us. We want you happy.’ I think you need to have a chat with him.
“I’m wondering, were there any other changes that you noticed? Did you notice a change in his sleep pattern around Christmas time or since then? Any changes in his diet? Has he stayed engaged in whatever activities he was engaged beforehand - what is his general engagement level?
“Or are we seeing this play out not just with friends in school but in other areas?
“I’m also wondering about this older brother who regularly talks at home about identifying as a ‘loner’, ‘the weird one in school’ - and you’re taking action, the school are being great, this is wonderful.
“But I’m wondering, historically or even now, has his saying this garnered quite a big response from you? And how has your younger son understood that? I wonder is how they get on together because if he’s copying his brother, maybe his brother could say to him, ‘Listen, you have friends, that’s something I’m always working towards’ and he could have a chat with him if he’s able - I don’t know enough about the 16-year-old - but if he’s able.
“At this stage I would consider referring him to an adolescent psychotherapist because he may benefit from having a space to process his experience of his brother because sometimes we play things out in a bid to make meaning or to make sense of them… And I think he could also process his own experiences and I think if you do that now… you could turn this around for him.”
Main image: File photo shows a stressed teenager. Picture by: Aleksandr Davydov / Alamy Stock Photo
