One listener is looking for advice as she's "had enough" of her husband reading her texts and looking at her phone.
Barbara Scully and Declan Buckley joined Moncrieff for this week's So You Think You're an Adult.
The dilemma
My husband and I tend to keep our phones by our bed. I often catch up on texts before we go to sleep because that’s the only free time I have! But I’ve noticed any time I receive a message if my husband is nearby, he’ll read the text over my shoulder or he’ll pick up the phone to look at it and make a comment.
I personally find it a bit too nosey and just want a fecking sliver of privacy. He obviously knows my pin code as well.
I don’t know if it’s intrigue or suspicion but I’ve had enough. I don’t think my partner is entitled to read my texts. He’s probably reading this text even now!
I deliberately don’t look at his phone. Should I just start prying through his messages as retaliation?
Declan's advice
"When you're really close to somebody, there is a blurring of the line between where you end and they start.
"There is a curiosity about what's going on... but there's also a form of that that may be interpreted as controlling behaviour.
"If you have an issue with some encroaching into your boundaries, they're the boundaries you're making for your own world - they're not necessarily the kind of person who feels those boundaries.
"'Revenge' looking at their phone... seems stupid and pointless.
"This is about setting your boundaries, and just being consistent with what those boundaries are."
Barbara's advice
"I agree with Declan broadly. But sometimes if you say 'I don't want you looking at my texts'... the obvious next question is 'why?'
"Having said that... when we were growing up, I remember my mother - who was a very laid-back and calm woman - used to have an absolute hissy fit if anybody went near her handbag without her permission.
"I think it's more like that - it's almost a courtesy thing.
"If you're in an intimate relationship with someone, the lines do get blurred - you'd like to think everything is open and free.
"But I do think you're entitled to have conversations you don't necessarily want your partner to be a party to.
"It's not because they're about them or anything in them they could be annoyed about... it's just you're entitled to do that.
"Rather than say 'I'd like you to recognise my privacy' - which could set off alarm bells - would be just to go 'oi, these are my conversations, feck off'. Instead of her picking up his phone... you could say 'can I borrow your phone and look at your texts?'
"He might just be doing it because he thinks it's perfectly acceptable. Rather than her having a row... if she just starts to change behaviour slightly, the penny might drop. I don't think it's worth having a big row about it, which will only make him more suspicious."
