Can you broach the idea of an 'open relationship' with a partner without offending them?
That was one listener's dilemma on this week's So I Think You're An Adult, with Barbara Scully and Declan Buckley joining Tom Dunne on Moncrieff to answer the woes of the nation.
The dilemma
"My partner and I have been together for about three years. I love him very much but I want to keep things exciting between us. We're very committed but I do find myself getting a bit bored with him sometimes, he's very predictable.
I'd love to actually go on dates with other men, because I'd like to get that endorphin hit and I think that might help me embrace the positives in my relationship and get the rest of my needs met from others. It’s just a case of curiosity for me really, and I'm happy for him to see other women too. But I think he’d take it very personally if I suggested an open relationship.
How do I broach the idea, without offending him?"
Barbara's advice
"In my very limited experience of these matters, I would think if you do want explore open relationships and polyamory… it’s usually something both of you come to a decision about or have a chat about together.
In this case, this poor eejit has a partner - who rang in here - who finds him boring. That’s the crux of the thing.
That’s what happens in a relationship - that mad excitement you have the first few years burns out, and it’s usually replaced by something else.
It’s like going from wearing a pair of uncomfortable high heels shoes into a pair of old slippers. The old slippers are very cozy and comfortable.
This woman I think has a problem with her partner, and the fact she’s asking how to broach the idea without offending him means they’ve never come close to having a discussion about how they can up the ante in their sex life. I would imagine he is going to be very offended if she broaches it.
My advice is… you need to sit down and have a think about where you’re at in this relationship, and what you want going forward. You can’t have it all: you can’t have a committed relationship, and still have that madness and excitement of the early days."
Declan’s advice
"I think when it comes to describing polyamory and the idea of open relationships… society has a very prescript view of things.
Perhaps rather than the guy being boring… what she’s discovering is she’s polyamorous by instinct, and that’s a thing.
What you’re doing by saying she’s bored is you’re dismissing the whole idea that a polyamorous relationship can exist.
To some people, that’s their orientation - that’s the way they see the world.
You can be in a relationship for a long time, and be struggling to find what exactly it is about that relationship that’s not fulfilling you in some way.
How do you bring up the conversation? I’d imagine you’d find a way to talk about it - you [could] find a way to talk about it obliquely… like ‘what’s your thought on this’?
Being blunt and saying ‘this is what I want’ is not the way a lot of people do their business. But I think this is the only way in this instance."
