For this week's So You Think You're An Adult, one listener wants advice as he finds his wife's fondness for dirty talk excruciating.
Barbara Scully and Declan Buckley joined Sean Moncrieff to answer this and other listeners' dilemmas.
The dilemma
My wife and I have been married for ten years. Our sex life has become rather routine and pedestrian over the past two or three years. She recently suggested that we watch an erotic movie and try dirty talk. I love her very much, so despite my reluctance, I agreed to try it.
Watching the movie was absolutely grand as we laughed most of the way through it. But she seems to have really taken to the dirty talk and does it a lot now. But I personally find it excruciating. She kept asking me to try it and I kept falling at the last hurdle. Last week I tried it for the first time but she said I made it sound 'agricultural' and was put off by it.
Now I'm too embarrassed to try it again and she seems to have lost her libido. I'm really worried that I've messed everything up. Is there anything I can do to help me with this kind of thing?
Barbara’s advice
“Talking dirty… only walks if both of you are into it. If you aren’t into it, then that’s fine. You haven’t messed anything up at all.
“I would just say to your wife ‘the dirty talk doesn’t work for me… I can’t do it’. Chalk that up to 'tried that, and it didn’t work' - you move on.
“The fact you did agree… shows you are open to trying things. If you want to ramp up your sex life a little bit… the idea is to try other things, whatever that is. It could be role play, fantasy, moving sex out of the bedroom… just generally being spontaneous.
“Your biggest problem here is thinking you’ve messed something up and this is all down to you. It’s not.”
Declan’s advice
“I feel what’s going on here is this guy has been presented with a problem he feels he needs to resolve… he has gone into problem-solving mode, and his objective is to fix the thing.
“It’s the journey that counts here and not the destination.
“Ultimately, if somebody puts your mind in an erotic space, then whatever that is doing the job for you… but for a couple, it has to be something that works together. One of you can’t be doing ‘agricultural’ sex talk.
“People taking their sex life too seriously - as if it’s some kind of test - is a foolish move. Having fun and having a laugh is fine.
“Feeling like your failing is probably what’s killing the mood, as opposed to the fact you’re not able to do a sexy French voice or whatever.
“A fantasy… is never going to be what’s in your head. The whole thing is giving something a try, having a laugh with it, and enjoying each others’ company. That’s what you should be focusing on.
“If you’re making an effort, you’re not failing.”
