What exactly can you do if your partner or spouse always wins an argument? That's one frustrated wife's question on this week's So, You Think You're An Adult.
Barbara Scully and Declan Buckley joined Moncrieff to help tackle this and other listener dilemmas...
The dilemma
“My husband is always right - and I mean always right.
“We have a great relationship in general - he’s a smart and loving man, but like any relationship we have our arguments. When we have them, he always wins.
“Even when I know I’m in the right, he’s always able to ream off various examples that prove me wrong. I get all flustered and eventually back down.
“But you can’t always be right - I just don’t take note of every minor indiscretion he makes so I can refer back to it in an argument. Maybe I should start taking a note of them, so I can finally get him to see what I mean. What do you think? Would it just escalate what are very minor disagreements?”
Barbara’s advice
“Clearly, your husband isn’t always right, and you know he’s not always right. What your husband is, probably, is more articulate than you - and possibly louder too - and that’s how he wins the arguments.
“The answer isn’t to have a notebook in which you can collect all his indiscretions to fling at him when a debate starts. What you need to do maybe is try to take some of the wind out of his sails. Try to reduce the volume… very often the volume has a lot to do with it.
“It comes back to the power dynamics. If someone’s winning an argument with you… chances are they’re probably standing up as well. Sit down and try to diffuse the situation a little bit. Try to take some of the energy out of his ability to dominate the conversation.
“It’s not about you having more ammunition to fling at him - it’s about you trying to reduce the energy a little bit.”
Declan’s advice
“It’s not the argument Olympics. Argue on the merits.
"Some people are very argumentative - that’s what they do, and they have ways and the skills. It’s a communication process - a tactic they have. It doesn’t mean anything about the merits of what you’re actually talking about.
“Unfortunately, once somebody captures the way in which something is being talked about… the way we speak about the topic can result in the topic being won or lost.
“Sometimes there actually isn’t a definitive answer - you can’t win the argument, but you can give the appearance of winning the argument.
“He’s learned the way that he can make her stop dead in her tracks… that’s unfair. Unfortunately, she needs to find a way to recapture that [dynamic]. I don’t know what that is.
“Sometimes, all an argumentative person really wants to do is talk. That’s all they want.”
