Teenagers need to be trusted with responsibility to progress into adulthood, according to a leading child psychotherapist.

It comes after UK television presenter Kirstie Allsopp was reported to social services for allowing her 15-year-old son to Interrail across Europe with a friend.

Dr Colman Noctor believes that teens need to face adversity to develop independence.

Incremental independence

Speaking on The Pat Kenny Show today, he said that when parents don't trust their children, it can lead to them making mistakes.

“For parents, it’s maybe a case of working on your own nervousness,” he said.

“You want to send him [abroad] with the belief that he’s got this and you think he can manage.

“If you’re filling him with doubt and dread, that’s going to affect the lens through which he sees the task.

“It’s trying to get a 15-year-old to see something with the important lens of an adult and then he should have that incremental experience of independence where he’s getting more responsibility.”

Two teenagers on their phones. Image: Axel Bueckert / Alamy Stock Photo

Dr Noctor said the children of today are different from the ones who came before them.

“We've moved from a place where 14-year-olds were doing babysitting and now people are looking for babysitters for their 14-year-old,” he said.

“The world is a different place now, and children and young people are not the same as they were either, so I always say that we need to meet young people where they’re at.

“We also can’t forget the disruption they experienced from pandemics and everything else that went with that.”

Autonomy

Dr Noctor said it’s important to allow autonomy into a child’s life from an early age.

“A child of about 13 or 14 years of age should be able to manage having their own key, letting themselves into the house, and surviving for a few hours until you get home without burning the place down,” he said.

“They should also be capable of autonomously using public transport, getting from one place to the next.

“Leaving them at evening times or night times might be more appropriate for the 15 and 16 age group.”

A teenager refuses to hand her phone over to her mother. Image: Weyo / Alamy Stock Photo

The child psychotherapist advised teens that being more honest with parents can help too.

“If a youngster says, ‘I’m going to a friend’s house, there’s four of us there, and we’ll be back at 10 pm’ – you will get more freedom with that,” he said.

“Teenagers often see it as a battle of wills, a battle of control, and say, ‘Well, I’m not giving into that.’

“But from the point of view of honesty and knowing that your child can come back to you and say they had a bit of trouble today on the way back from the shop, that something happened, that’s actually a good thing.

“It shouldn’t be responded to by clamping down on their independence.”

He added that experiencing “adversity” and making mistakes is a sure way of developing independence in life.

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Main image: TV presenter Kirstie Allsopp. Image: michael melia / Alamy Stock Photo