Parents struggling to adjust to their children leaving home need to find ways to fill the gap in their lives, according to one counselling expert.

After spending decades looking after them, many parents will suffer from empty nest syndrome when their children leave home for college or work. 

After spending decades looking after their children, many parents suffer from ‘empty nest syndrome’ when their children move on.

On Newstalk Breakfast this morning, Counselling Psychologist Leslie Shoemaker said anyone who has spent such a long time looking after a child is bound to feel “empty” when that person is no longer around.

“The research tells us usually mums experience it more than the dads do, as the primary caretaker,” she said.

“You're dealing with ‘who am I as a mum’ and developing this new relationship with your kids, you’re reacquainting yourself with your husband as a couple without having little kids. 

“Then factor in all the hormonal imbalance and dealing with all the symptoms of menopause.” 

Empty nest syndrome is most common among people who don’t like any sort of big changes and parents who don’t think their children can survive without them. 

Peter Pan syndrome

Ms Shoemaker said ‘Peter Pan syndrome’ is also common among empty nesters. 

“It’s a refusal to see your children as adults,” she said. 

“Part of that is also ‘everything revolves around me, I'm the only one who can take care of their needs’.” 

Couple arguing at home. Image: Ian Allenden / Alamy Stock Photo

The empty nest can also become a tense one for couples who stayed together for the sake of their children. 

“When you throw yourself into your kids, [a couple] become more like friends without even realising it,” Ms Shoemaker said. 

“Couples will stay together until the empty nest hits and then they split – I don’t think that’s very healthy. 

“It's miserable for everybody – their marriage problems just leak out in the snide comments, grumpy mood, all those kinds of things.” 

New opportunities

Parents shouldn’t view their empty nest as a hole, according to Ms Shoemaker, but should consider it an opportunity for growth. 

“We have to embrace the hole,” she said.

“We need to grow around grief, we incorporate it into our lives - it's really normal, but it's about also embracing new opportunities. 

“Research tells us we change careers up to three times in our lifetime; this may be the opportunity to go do something entirely different. 

“I'm working with a guy and his wife had been an accountant and she went retrained as tour guide, which I just thought was marvellous.”