On this week’s parenting segment, one mother struggles to co-parent an awkward situation with her ex, while another asks how she can help her young son understand his grandparent’s death.

Each week on Moncrieff, Family psychotherapist Joanna Fortune answers all your parenting questions.

We started off this week with a rather delicate situation.

“I recently received a call from my daughter a few hours after [their father] picked them up. She was very upset and crying on the phone.

She had gone to the bathroom, the only one in the house, and had found sex toys left on the main floor area.”

Co-parenting

The couple are divorced, with the arrangement stating that the girls only have to see their dad when they feel like it.

Despite this, their mother claims he is “controlling” and puts pressure on them to see him regularly.

The children were forced to ask their father to clean up after himself, as there is only one bathroom in the house.

While their dad had done as his daughters asked, he told them there was nothing wrong with owning sex toys.

Uncomfortable

The girls have since returned to the house for another visit but have admitted to not wanting to go into the bathroom.

“I'm so worried for them and am at a loss about their next best way to support them,” the girls’ mother wrote. She had not yet spoken to her ex about the situation.

Family psychotherapist Joanna Fortune said that it was “very disappointing” the girls’ father did not have more consideration for them.

“He knew they were upset, and he handled it all wrong,” Joanna said.

Girlfriends consoling sad teenage girl (Westend61 GmbH / Alamy Stock Photo)

She pointed out that it was necessary to speak to the girls’ father about the situation; however, it is also important to reassure the girls that they have control over the situation.

“The agreement states that they can decide when they go and where they go,” she said. “And I'm not for one moment saying they shouldn't see their dad because that's not the right thing either.”
Instead, the girls could ask instead to meet their father outside the house for now, until their trust in him is restored.

Fear of death

Another mother told of how recent deaths in the family had distressed her nine-year-old son.

“I recently lost both of my parents in quick succession, and it's naturally had a massive impact on our family, particularly my youngest son,” she told the show.

Since his grandparents’ deaths, her son has had trouble sleeping, and now worries about his own parents dying.

“For context my mother was his child minder for years,” she explained.

“Her death was somewhat sudden, [and] came as a shock to everyone, including our son.

“My father, on the other hand, was sick for a long time and when we knew he was about to pass away – we tried to have conversations with our son about what was going to happen to his granddad.”

“I'm very worried for my son, especially the lack of sleep part. How can I put his mind at ease?”

Child development

Joanna said that it is normal for children to process grief in this way.

“Children will play out a lot of distress that they struggle to articulate in those three areas” - sleeping, eating and toileting, she said.

“He's thinking about death and losing his parents because he's witnessed you losing yours.”

Resources

“I would suggest in this situation specific grief therapy or play therapy  that can address the grief.

“Depending on the nature of grandad's illness, a lot of organizations will have support available to family members who are affected.

“You could go down that route as well or talk to your doctor.”

Joanna also recommended books focusing on the topic of grief.

It is also important to take care of yourself as well as your child during difficult times, she said.