Why does the birth of a child so often mean the loss of friendships?

Surveys have found the phenomenon is extremely common and one by US Action for Children group in 2020 found 68% of parents felt “cut off” from friends after the arrival of a baby. 

Meanwhile research by the British Red Cross in 2018 found that 82% of new mothers experience loneliness. 

Broadcaster Stefanie Preissner became a mother after many of her friends - meaning she has an insight into both sides of the experience. 

“When you don’t have children, it’s hard to understand why your friends suddenly become so unreliable and flakey,” she told Sarah Madden for Newstalk Breakfast. 

“I had no problem accepting that my friends had kids and that now I was going to have to go to them. 

“But I still couldn’t understand, ‘Why couldn’t I just come and have a coffee with you? It can’t be that crazy, your baby’s probably going to sleep.’

“Now I understand that it’s sometimes just not possible and there’s all these things that crop up.” 

'A slow abrasion of cancelled plans'

Unlike some of her friends, Ms Preissner was also experiencing fertility issues and suffered multiple miscarriages. 

It made being around other people’s children a challenge at times. 

“At that point, it became really brutal to be around people who had children - like vinegar on a wound,” she said. 

“It was just too much and I pulled back, so that might be another reason.”

Since then, she has become a mother and has since realised just how difficult it can be to keep in touch with people who simply are at a different stage of life to you. 

“Now that I have children, you don’t lose friends in a big dramatic fight,” she said. 

“It’s a slow abrasion of cancelled plans and missed opportunities where you make a plan and then someone has a snotty nose or someone has a cough or your friend changes the location.”

Parents with their two small children relax in a park.

Equally, she feels some people just assume parents do not want to socialise and simply give up on them. 

“Also, I think people stop inviting you and stop visiting,” she said. 

“I have noticed that it’s a two way thing; yes, the mother might reduce the investment in her friends but definitely friends also step back. 

“Maybe… that’s it’s because there’s a misconception new mothers want to be left alone.” 

New friendships

One solution is to make friends with other parents of young children - something mindfulness therapist Sarah Jane McCarthy believes can be transformative. 

“COVID shone a light on how important it was when they all stopped,” she said.

“We really saw that actually, it had nothing to do with massaging your baby or shaking a rattle in front of your baby’s face or singing nursery rhymes to you baby. 

“It had everything to do with that cup of tea and coffee at the start or the end with a bunch of mums who are in the same boat as you.” 

Close up of newborn baby.

Even if parenthood means you increasingly gravitate towards other young mums and dads, Ms McCarthy feels it should not mean the end of your old friendships either.

“It doesn’t mean friendships are gone forever,” she said. 

“I think there’s seasons for people’s friendships and I think you can kind of come in and out of people’s lives. 

“The true friends will come back.”

Main image: A child in a playground. Picture by: Christoph Soeder/dpa.